So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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