I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
