i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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