I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
