just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
