dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
