I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
