Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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