The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
