she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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