No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
