Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
