I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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