He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.