My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.