I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
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All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
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And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
This can only be settled by a dance off.