last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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