I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
