the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
