I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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