Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
