38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
