I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
