Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I didn't notice because vodka
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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