I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
PANTIES FOUND
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
