i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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