She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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