I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
