I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
