Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I am one with the molecules
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
