hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
