I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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