dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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