I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
