If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
