I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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