When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
