so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she told me i tasted like america
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
