I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Hippo gnu deer
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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