I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
