I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
