the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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