you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
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I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
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I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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