I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
