The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize