Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
