I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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