Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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