Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
