My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
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Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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