A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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