Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
