so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
