well I can't set my house on fire every night
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Wipe that smile off your face.
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no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
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Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed