she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.