Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.