new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.