My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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