I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
