Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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