Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
