I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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